I Might Be Crazy But Probably Not

There are sentences I never thought I would say. One of them is “Will you stop chewing on my bra? It costs more than you do!” Another is “Oh don’t worry I know the puppy is shrieking but he’s fine. The cat just had a throw down with him, WWE style. It means he’s learning his lesson.”

Basically, owning a puppy is weird. As is owning a cat. They get along great except when the puppy thinks the cat’s tail is a tug of war toy. That’s usually why the puppy ends up shrieking. The cat doesn’t put up with that, and let’s be honest, I can’t blame him. Sooner or later the puppy is going to learn, and it’s not like the cat is actually hurting him. Sometimes it’s kind of comical.

Those are my emotional support animals, because for the last 4 or 5 years anxiety has kind of tried to wreck my life. If you want to get technical about it, I guess it kind of almost did. But hey, I got help. I pulled myself out of that deep dark hole even though I thought it was never going to end. Which, if you think about it, is weird, because I overcame something that seemed virtually neverending. Now, I’m not gonna lie. A bigggggg part of my improvement was what I delightfully call Happy Pills. Because… well, I guess they gave me back the ability to be happy? The changes are shocking, to say the least. Like. I used to freak out… over perfectly normal things? And now they don’t bother me at all, and I didn’t exactly notice the transition until I stepped back and actively reflected on it. And then I realized that the change in thought process had happened almost normally. I didn’t get upset over the things that made me irrationally anxious or depressed. Things had changed for me, and they were changing for the better.

They still are, actually. I have a lot of changes coming up. Most of my friends are getting ready to go back to classes. And then there’s me, and after a lot of weird stuff where I nearly had cancer but definitely didn’t have cancer probably happened, and some money issues/getting fired from a job (mostly because anxiety and depression was so overwhelming I couldn’t keep showing up to Walmart every day…) and just a bunch of stress… and then the school conveniently screwing me over on top of it, I’m taking a semester off school.

So guess who’s using this semester as a big, fun, adventure? That’s right. Gonna do a ton of crazy things. For instance? Freaking YOGA!

Y’all. Yoga hurts. Just so you know. Like… ow… a lot… many pains. Does not like. Just so you know. Except after I do yoga it feels really nice and like I feel good. But the next two days I’m super sore. It’s crazy, haha! But that’s not the only thing I am doing this year. Yoga, learning how to actually do makeup, learning to drive, self care routines… the whole 12 yards. But I’m going to check over all of this with my therapist and see what she thinks is a good idea. Knowing me I could be overdoing it.

Also. Those little nails you glue on? I used to think those were stupid. But I wear them all the time now they’re my new favorite thing except if I one falls off and I forget my nail glue I have to tear all of them off, because of who I am as a person. It’s inevitable. Basically, I’m giving in to my somewhat OCD tendencies and I am also becoming A Girl and neither of these make sense and it makes me wonder if the feeling of normalicy in my life is actually just a figment of my imagination.

Basically I might be crazy and I’m sorry if I am but I promise I’m probably not.

So yeah. If you guys need me I’ll be here, writing things down in my bullet journal. I’m still not entirely sure I’m doing this right? But that’s okay like I don’t mind messing it all up for the sake of doing it right. Uh. Wait. That didn’t make sense did it… I’m so sorry I’m going to stop talking now before I scare the non-existent readers away okay? Okay byeeee.

Moving Forward

As you all may have realized at this point, 2016 is soon to be (or maybe already is, depending upon where you are in the world) a thing of the past. And, I kind of forgot this blog existed, so I torched it in favor of starting it entirely over – similar to what I myself am doing tonight when the clock strikes midnight. Because right now, I believe in the power of time and the power of change, and I know for a fact that sooner or later, things are going to get better. So I’m taking the new year as a new chance, one to move forward. It’s been a crazy year, let me tell you.

And… this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down… okay, okay. No more references. Probably. Maybe. Okay. Sorry, I couldn’t help it. It’s so ACCURATE.

Anyway I went into 2016, at the beginning of the year, feeling bad. But I have been telling myself for virtually forever that sooner or later I’d get a hold on my anxiety and depression. That sooner or later things would start to actively feel better. That sooner or later everything would be okay and that I would work and fight to make it okay. And I honestly had been telling myself since October of 2015 that 2016 would be that year.

I don’t think I could have really realized how wrong I was.

5 funerals. Several failed classes. I nearly thought I had cancer! (But I probably don’t?) Some other health issues. Some huge arguments with my boyfriend. Toxic people. There were a lot of problems in 2016 I hadn’t planned for. So many problems. My depression and anxiety hit all time highs. I went through three jobs this year alone. I basically stopped going to all of my classes because it was easier to avoid them than to deal with them. I was utterly lost. People I cared about died. My 20th birthday ended up being my grandmother’s funeral. 2016 was not destined to be a good year.

And I spent most of today thinking that, hey. I was finally moving forward. I have a good therapist now who I really relate to, happy pills to help me a long, I finally found a job I don’t hate, a kitten and puppy for emotional support. Things are finally looking up!

But 2016 just had to get one last laugh.

I worked tonight. I had a 10 hour shift. Why? Overtime pay. I can’t argue, I spent most of my shift crocheting which is a new hobby of mine I’m finding I enjoy quite a bit. But my dearest darling boyfriend works where I work! And he worked until 11, whereas I got out at 8:30pm. So guess who had to take an uber home? Alas. That’s the problem with not having a drivers license.

So I call my uber and he shows up and we are on our way. We are just down the road from my apartment complex, an my uber driver straight up runs a red light after I tell him to take the left turn lane, not the turn around (I was just agreeing with what the GPS said, and I know where my own house is so XD) and apparently he was distracted and just didn’t realize it was red. Well… it’s New Years Eve. There’s cops EVERYWHERE. So… yeah. He gets pulled over just down the road from my house. Guess who walked the rest of the way home? I was just really glad I wasn’t wearing heels…

Well as I’m walking up the stairs to my apartment I remember something… I left my set of keys at my mother’s house! … 4 hours away. They’re presently in the mail to me. But that means I don’t have keys to get inside my apartment, and my boyfriend is at work and my roommate is at a New Years Eve concert of some sort…

And the door is locked.

Luckily I caught my boyfriend on his break, and told hi what happened, and he told me I could come get the key from him. But that meant ubering all the way back to work, and then back home again…

2016, you bastard.

It got it’s last laugh, I guess. I’m hoping that that is, ultimately, the end of my 2016 tragedy. I laughed, by the end of it. It’s such a good way to sum up the awfulness that was this year. It was everything I had not planned.

And in hindsight, it’s kind of great.

It’s been a bad year. But it’s been a year full of growing and learning and developing. It’s been a year of learning how to cope with life and learning who I am and working on who I want to be and where I want to go in my life. And… it may have been bad, it may have hurt a lot…

But I’m still here.

And I’m going to move forward with that. I hope everyone here does the same. ❤